“I want you to tell me everything will be okay, and I want that to be the truth”

20 04 2008

It’s now t-minus 10 days and counting til the big move. Am I ready? No. Am I transforming into a complete headcase over it? Yes. Completely. I have found myself reduced to tears when feeling overwhelmed lately. Yes me, the girl whose friends often wonder if I even have tear ducts because they’ve never seen me cry. Could it be the fact that I feel completely alone in this process? Probably. I’m heading off into this new life and I feel like an island. 

I may have just a slight tinge of OCD and making lists always helps me clear my head. The top 5 things that I need to get out of my head and off my chest:

1. I’m completely apprehensive over leaving my friends. I feel like in the past year I have become a part of this awesome, tight-knit group of friends and now I have to say goodbye. Not to mention the guilt trip they’ve been laying on me hasn’t helped much. No longer will I have my five best friends just a short 10 minute drive away.  Granted, one of my oldest friends and former roommate will be there to ease into the transition, but it won’t feel the same. I basically know no one in this very large city that will soon be my home. 

2. Job searching. It’s fast becoming my least favourite phrase. When people ask, “hows the job search going?” I politely reply, “oh, its going” but what I really want to say is, “its going shitty and at this point I feel like I’m going to end up working at a minimum wage job just to get by.” Unfortunately, most people prefer you lie and give them good news. So for those keeping score, I have no friends and no job in Chicago. Aren’t I awesome?

3. Packing. Seeing the contents of my life being packed up into, say, a dozen boxes is depressing. Even more depressing is getting rid of all those things I’ve held on to for years. Sorry Mr. Lang, my senior project just went in the garbage with my socks that have holes. Pictures, ticket stubs, notes..why was I holding onto this crap anyway? Now I guess I really am parting ways with the old me. At least the memories that are most important are in my head, so let’s hope I don’t get Alzheimer’s too quickly.

4. Drama. Can’t we all grow up and pretend to get along? We surely are far from high schoolers, when do we stop acting like it? This pretty much applies to my life across the board. Didn’t your mother ever tell you, “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say it at all?” I don’t really need the drama, I’d prefer to read about it in a book. 

5. And of course, the “big question”: am I making the wrong choice? I don’t know. But I get the feeling I’m not meant to. At least not until I try. Every decision in my life so far has been because the answer was so clear, how could I not choose it? Now I just have to rely strictly on my instinct and learn to trust myself. 

 

So do I feel better? A little. Any little bit helps to relieve the stress, even if it’s only temporary. All I can do is try to get through the next ten days the best way I know how: completely drunk. 

 

 

Just kidding. 

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